Attachment Styles: You and Your Baby

As parents, we often find ourselves wondering how to create a nurturing and loving environment for our little ones.

One essential aspect of fostering healthy emotional development is understanding attachment theory. This psychological framework helps explain how the bonds we form with our children can significantly impact their social, emotional, and cognitive growth.

Attachment Theory is based on the idea that human beings are born with a need to form close relationships with their primary caregiver. The theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby when he was researching the effects of separation between infants and their mothers.

Bowlby found that infants were extremely distressed when separated from their parents, and they would go to great lengths (eg crying, clinging) to prevent separation, or to re-establish proximity.

When these infants are physically or visually close to their parents, they are at ease.

The theory went on to be developed further by Mary Ainsworth, and the result is what’s popularly known today as Attachment Styles.

Further research led psychologists to believe that adult romantic relationships are a function of the same motivational system that characterizes the bonds between infants and their parents, and share similar features.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is developed when a child regularly and consistently relies on and gets their needs met from their parents or primary caregivers.

The adults in their lives were emotionally available, and responded to them in an appropriate, timely, and loving way.

The child feels safe and secure, and as they grow, they confidently express themselves and explore their environment without fear.

Adults with secure attachments form positive, stable, trusting, and loving relationships. They are able to communicate with and trust others, they connect well with others, they are comfortable being alone, and they have high self-esteem and a healthy self-image.

How Can Parents Foster Secure Attachments?

Creating a secure attachment bond with your child doesn’t require perfection. In fact, we would go so far as to say, there are no perfect parents! Instead, being present, responsive, and consistently nurturing helps foster a safe emotional environment.

Here are some tips to help you build those strong connections:

1. Be Attentive: Listen actively to your child’s needs and feelings. If they are upset about something, take the time to understand their perspective and validate their emotions. When they feel heard, they learn that it is okay to express their feelings.

2. Respond Consistently: Try to respond to your child’s needs in a timely and predictable manner. Consistency helps create a sense of safety and trust. Whether it’s comforting them when they are hurt or providing guidance during tough situations, being a reliable presence is crucial.

3. Encourage Exploration: Provide your child with opportunities to explore their environment safely. Allow them to try new things, knowing you will be there to support them. This encourages independence while reinforcing the bond of trust between you.

4. Practice Positive Communication: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming. For example, “I feel worried when I can’t see you at the playground. Can you come back to check in with me?” This models healthy communication and helps them learn to express their own needs clearly.

5. Embrace Quality Time: Spend regular, dedicated time with your child, engaging in activities they enjoy. This creates cherished memories and reinforces the bond between you. It could be as simple as storytime, going for a walk, or playing a game together. Put your devices down, to model what quality time looks like, and most of all, that it is possible to have meaningful conversations and a fun time without them.

6. Encourage Emotional Expression: Help your child label their emotions and discuss them openly. Teach them that it’s okay to feel happy, sad, angry, or scared. Creating an environment where emotions are expressed and accepted fosters emotional intelligence and resilience.

Depending on the type of insecure attachment, adults who have experienced the above may develop poor self-esteem, face a range of challenges in their relationships with others, and may find it hard to regulate their emotions.

Often, they will experience high anxiety, a fear of rejection and abandonment, feelings of being unworthy, difficulty trusting others, feelings of insecurity, and more.

Insecure attachments can affect a mother’s ability to connect with her child unless she receives education and skills regarding secure bonding.

These moms may find it difficult to respond to their newborn’s dependence, when they were reminded of the support they never received. This may trigger a fear that causes mothers to avoid or fight against the threat they perceive in their children.

How Insecure Attachment Affects Parenting

Understanding how insecure attachment operates can provide us with valuable insights into parenting.

Here are some ways it can manifest:

Difficulty in Emotional Availability: Parents who struggle with insecure attachment may find it hard to be emotionally present for their children. This can create a barrier to bonding, making children feel isolated and unsupported.

Struggles with Trust: Trust issues can ripple through the parent-child relationship. An anxious parent may be overly cautious and intrusive, while an avoidant parent may withdraw emotionally, leading to a lack of trust in the parent-child bond.

Modeling Relationships: Children learn about relationships through their interactions with their parents. An insecure attachment may lead to children mirroring similar patterns in their friendships and future relationships.

What is your Attachment Style?

Find out your Attachment Style, courtesy of the Attachment Project.

Attachment theory underscores the importance of nurturing the bonds we form with our children. By understanding the different attachment styles and implementing helpful communication strategies, you can create a loving, supportive environment that encourages secure attachment.

Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection—your efforts to connect with your child will lay the foundation for a healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Professional help from a trained and experienced family counsellor can provide valuable insights. Consider consulting with one of our child and family therapists if you are feeling stuck in your relational style with your child.

We are here to help you create better relationships, and remember, you are not alone.

Meet our Child & Family Therapists