Grief
Loss is never easy. When we grieve the loss of someone, whether a partner, child, family member, friend or pet, the journey is just as unique as the person you are.
Grief comes in many forms: a divorce, empty nesting, the loss of a job, retirement, a life altering bodily change, or a terminal health diagnosis. Either way, a loss is a challenging reality and how we cope is determined by who we are and our life experiences.
Bereavement differs for everyone based on personality, coping mechanisms, support systems, and the relationship with the departed.
The impact of the death on our personal life, such as financial constraints, having to move or sell your home, or move in with someone else, can impact our grieving process.
Different types of grief
For some, grief can be prolonged, lasting years, termed complicated grief, which can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.
Others experience short-term grief, known as acute grief, where it can creep up unexpectedly later in the process or even years after the loss.
Others experience depression, impacting their daily life, which in turn can affect their mental and physical health.
In such cases, reaching out to a mental health care provider, will provide guidance towards a brighter and straighter path with the journey of grief.
Grieving is not a straightforward process, and the duration is different for everyone. It could take weeks, months or years, with possible setbacks and rebounds. The process is not under our control and should never be suppressed. To deny the emotions of grief will only prolong the process and create more frustrations and stress, hindering the natural course of the grief.
The most important message here, is to be kind and gentle with yourself, and with others who are also grieving, without judgment on them or yourself.
You have the right to grieve in your way, and within your own time frame. No one, or even you, can predict the end of your grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that are meant to be felt.
An Emotional Process
Here are a few examples of emotions we can feel during bereavement.
Shock: The death of a loved one can feel like a blow to us, especially if it was unexpected. It may feel unreal, which may lead to denial, as we may still expect to hear and see that person in regular course of life.
Sadness: The intense feeling can plummet one to experience severe loneliness and isolation. The importance of a good support system and/or coping skills would be helpful during these challenging times.
Guilt: Even though we have no control over a person passing away, we can still feel remorse and guilt for not expressing our love or spending more time with them while they were alive. In the case of suicide, we can feel sorrow and guilt for not taking time to listen and help the person. However, with the passage of time, we learn to accept the reality, and eventually learn to forgive ourselves.
Anger: When we lose someone, we may feel resentment and anger and a natural response is to point the finger and blame someone else. We may question whether the bystander, ambulance technician, hospital staff, or nursing home attendants did everything they could save them. We may even question our faith and blame God. Anger is an expected emotion, and no one can minimize how we feel.
Fear: When we lose someone, it shakes us up. What was familiar and safe, may now seem uncertain. It can feel scary as we learn to face the small and large challenges of life without that person to lean on. We must start to learn to navigate life on our own. We may even question our own mortality, and the purpose and meaning of our life.
Physical pain: Aside from the emotions of grief, we can experience physical symptoms as well. Grief is an intense experience, which can impact our physical health. We may develop aches and pain, fatigue, headaches, nausea, weight gain or loss, and insomnia, to name a few.
As daunting as it may seem to take care of ourselves during this time, it’s so important to find the will to care of our physical and mental health, and to reach out to others and health care professionals when.
The Stages of Grief
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss American Psychiatrist, wrote On Death and Dying in 1969, introduced the 5 stages of grief, providing a better understanding of the process we may experience during our bereavement journey.
As bereavement takes its own trajectory, we may only experience a few of these stages, and not necessarily in this order, and with different durations.
Denial: That’s impossible! This can be happening!
Anger: It’s not fair! Why does God let this happen?
Bargaining: If I promise to turn my life around, let’s stop this from happening!
Depression: The loss if too great. How will I ever manage?
Acceptance: It is out of my hands. I acknowledge this is happening.
What can I do to help myself?
Support: Meet up with family or friends and express what you are feeling and experiencing. You may want to join a bereavement group to meet with others who are going through the same situation.
Time: There is no time frame in your journey of grief, so allow the process to unfold naturally in due time.
Time alone: During this time, you may need more space and time alone to heal. Its normal to not be as social and retreat from social events. However, it’s important to not remain too isolated and spend some increments of time with others and to attend events when ready.
Feelings: Allow yourself to experience your emotions of sadness, anger, numbness, etc. You may want to write them in a journal or talk to a trusting and supportive person.
Ask For Help: People will want to help but may not know how or what to say. If you let people in they will be grateful for your direction and be happy to help.
Plan: Holidays, birthday or anniversaries will be hard during the grieving process. However, planning and preparing ourselves, will help to cope better. Perhaps changing the traditions or creating a new celebration to honour the departed make you feel connected to them and feel consoling.
Create a Tangible Memory: Some ideas to honouring our beloved can be done by planting a tree with a commemorative plaque it, or a commemorative park bench, or lighting a candle during special occasions and anniversaries to honour that person. Or even doing some volunteer work in a cause that the departed was passionate about is a great way to honor their memory.
Spirituality: Praying, meditating and connecting with your spiritual leader can provide great support. Also, living a positive life with the values the person instills in you, and mimicking certain attributes when they were alive, is a great way to honor them and to feel connected.
Physical/Mental Health: Its important to find the will to take care of yourself. If you experience prolonged symptoms like insomnia, aches, pains, loss of weight, depression or suicidal thoughts, its important to contact a health care professional.
Counselling: Feelings of anger, blame, guilt, sadness, anxiety and depression are hard to deal with on your own. Receiving help from a health care professional can help you to sort and manage your feelings during this difficult time.
Helping Others: Helping others who are also grieving, takes the focus off yourself and in turn helps others.
Honesty with Youth: There is no need to put on a brave face in front of our children. Let them know you are hurting too, and that you want them to share their feeling with you and their memories of the departed.
Delay Major Decisions: Making major decisions or changes is not the best time during intense feelings of grief and may cause more undo stress and lead you down the wrong path. In time, as grief unravels, you will be in a better mind set to make changes.
A New Start: As time passes, you may find yourself ready to get back into the routine of life and open to new experiences, like taking up a new hobby, joining a new group, taking a course, or planning a vacation. This is your time to find your way, and the possibilities are endless.
How can I help someone who is grieving?
Be present: One of the most important things you can do is to simply be there for the person. Acknowledge their loss and feelings, listen, ask questions, and share memories. Go for coffee or walks in a park and offer to help with practical tasks.
Respect Their Journey: Follows the person’s lead and appreciate they need to follow their own trajectory and time frame, without judgment. if it seems tool long or too short, it is not our journey to judge.
Talk/Remember: We may be well intentioned by avoiding the subject of death, however, sharing memories, stories and laughs about the departed offers much more comfort as we remember and honour that person.
Include Them: It is important that that person grieving know they are important to you and others and continue to invite and include them in social activities. Asking them over for dinner, gatherings, or outings to a movie or a show can make them feel appreciated and less isolated.
Support Services: If you noticed the person is struggling emotionally or physically, you can assist them in finding community support services, like meals-on-wheels, housekeeping, volunteer visitors, etc.
Take care of yourself: Helping others can deplete our inner resources. It’s important to take time for yourself and look after your own needs, so you can continue to be stronger for yourself and others who need you.