Relationship conflict resolution
All couples, no matter how healthy and robust their relationship is, will experience some kind of conflict at some time.
The size and gravity of the conflict depends on the people involved and how they respond to it.
Conflict in a close or intimate relationship affects loved ones and inadvertently, family members.
It could arise from arguments over whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, or who had left their dirty laundry all over the bathroom floor again.
It could be about differences in political ideologies, or whether or not there is a God. It could be about how to parent a child after a tantrum, or after a night of partying.
Whatever the reasons for the conflict, here are some tips to help manage them, in a way that is healthy for both sides, and builds up the relationship, not tear it apart.
Stick to the issue.
couples fight, sometimes it is important to one or both, to win the argument. Using everything you know to be “wrong” or “broken” about your partner, may help with winning the argument in the short term, but it will not help to resolve the argument, or to bring you closer to each other.
We would encourage you to stick to the present topic and resolve it without bringing up past mistakes from 12, 15 years ago.
Be honest, not hurtful.
There is a way to speak to one’s spouse that is honest and loving, without hurting them. This is perhaps easier to say, than it is to do in the heat of the moment. It may be helpful to ask ourselves – is hurting someone we love really what we want to do?
Use “I feel” statements.
When we begin a conversation with “You … “, the focus is on the other person. It is likely that they will feel blamed or judged by your statement. And when you are emotionally charged, it is likely the tone you’re using will sound blaming and accusatory, however unintentional.
Using “I” statements shifts the focus onto you and your needs. Here are some examples:
- “I feel dismissed when you do not respond to something I’ve shared. I wish we could spend focused time together like we used to”.
- “I feel small when you correct me in front of others. I wish you would do that when it is just me and you, in private”.
- “I feel unimportant and lonely when you work long hours and come home late. I wish you would let me know so that I can be prepared”.
- “I feel ignored when we are with your family. I wish you would include me more in conversations when we are with them”.
No name calling.
Again, in the heat of the moment, the part of you that is angry, unappreciated, and unacknowledged, will come out and let your spouse know exactly how you feel about them.
But this is unproductive and childish. Using the worst curse words you could think of is also not productive. It may give you a sense of relief, but that relief is brief and temporary.
No third parties.
In the midst of a fight, it may seem useful at the time to bring up an ex from 15, 20 years ago. Or your mother in-law.
Again, these are not helpful. The focus should be on yourselves, and no one else.
Remain calm and no physical violence.
Without doubt, there should not be physical violence between people who love each other. Any relationship or marriage where violence is present, is not what a marriage is intended to be.
Domestic violence or intimate partner violence is on the rise in Canada and elsewhere in the world. These are the hidden trauma that women shy away from sharing with others because of the shame and the stigma that is attached to them.
If you are in such a situation, reach out for help.
Choose the time of your discussion.
Having an important discussion should be done at a time when both persons can focus on the other without distractions, or feeling exhausted from a long day at work.
Decide with your partner when might be a good time for a chat on issues that affect your relationship. For example, on the weekend when both do not have to work, like on a Saturday morning after breakfast.
Give each other equal time.
When people don’t feel heard, seen, or understood, they begin to feel unappreciated, unloved, and as though they do not matter.
If your goal is to resolve discontent, and for you and your spouse to be in a loving relationship, giving each other the gift of time to voice their hurts and frustrations, is one of the most loving things you can do.
Maintain a sense of humour and avoid sarcasm.
Humour and a sense of hope are great attitudes to have, as long as the humour is not at the expense of your partner. Laughing together, versus laughing at.
Avoid sarcasm, because sarcasm has a high risk of being heard inaccurately, and this inadvertently could lead to more issues to be resolved.
Avoid power statements and actions.
When people use words that are degrading or demeaning, it is because they are themselves in pain. They are hurt, and they want to hurt back.
This is when it is important to remember that you are a couple, and that your goal is the health of the relationship. It is “we” versus “me”.
We recognise that this may be difficult to do in the heat of the moment, however, if you could take a step back, that could very well change the direction of your argument.
Avoid exaggerations or hysterical statements.
When we are emotionally stirred up, we will tend to use words such as “always” and “never”.
For example, “You never do the dishes!”. “You’re always hanging out at the pub!”, or “If you can’t make the bed every morning, why don’t you go sleep in the yard!”
Such statements may feel good in the moment, but they are quite ineffective in bringing about a solution.
When you are wrong, admit it.
Couples who perceive of themselves as united, thinking of themselves as “we” rather than “you and me”, are more likely to admit their mistakes.
These couples recognise that they are on a journey together, and putting aside their ego would be better for their relationship. Ask yourself, is it more important that I win this argument and hurt my partner in the process, or is it more important that we resolve this and be a stronger couple?
The gift of therapy.
Sometimes it is just impossible for couples to see their partner’s point of view. No matter how hard they try, they feel completely misunderstood and unappreciated.
There are also issues such as infidelity that are hard to resolve without the help of a trained therapist. Giving your partner and yourselves the gift of therapy may be the best gift you could give yourselves.