Emotional Regulation for Kids: Riding the Rollercoaster Together
You’re in the grocery store. Your toddler, moments ago a cherubic angel, spots the brightly coloured candy aisle. You say “no.” And then, it happens.
The arching back, the ear-piercing scream, the flailing limbs, the dramatic flop to the floor – a full-blown public tantrum.
If you’re a parent, you would have experienced this and can relate.
Or perhaps you’ve experienced a 10-year-old slamming their bedroom door after a frustrating homework assignment.
Or a child throwing a tantrum because they did not want to leave the playground.
All the above behaviours highlight a critical developmental skill that all children need to learn: emotional regulation.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Imagine your emotions like a complex internal thermostat. Sometimes it is set too high, leaving you overwhelmed by anger or anxiety. Other times, it is too low, making you feel numb or disconnected. Emotional regulation is simply the ability to skillfully manage this inner thermostat. It is the process of understanding, experiencing, and responding to your feelings in a way that is healthy, flexible, and appropriate to the situation.
It is just as important to understand what emotional regulation isn’t:
- It’s not suppressing or ignoring emotions. Trying to bottle up feelings often leads to them erupting more intensely later, or manifesting as physical symptoms or mental health issues.
- It’s not about being “happy” all the time. All emotions, including sadness, anger, and fear, serve a purpose. Emotional regulation allows you to feel them without being consumed by them.
- It’s not about perfect control. We all have moments where our emotions get the better of us. Regulation is a skill we continuously develop, not a state we perfectly achieve.
Our children are not born with the ability to regulate their emotions. It is not an innate skill. According to the Kids Mental Health Foundation, it is a learned one, developed over time with significant support from parents and caregivers.
Why Emotional Regulation is Important
The ability to regulate emotions is foundational for a child’s overall well-being and future success. Research consistently links strong emotional regulation skills to a host of positive outcomes:
Improved Mental Health: Children who can manage their emotions are less prone to anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns later in life.
Enhanced Social Skills: Emotionally regulated children are better able to navigate social situations, form healthy friendships, and resolve conflicts constructively. They can engage and disengage appropriately in social interactions.
Academic Success: Children with good emotional regulation skills are more motivated to learn, participate better in the classroom, and have improved attention and concentration, which are crucial for academic achievement.
Increased Resilience: The capacity to bounce back from difficulties and cope with stress is greatly enhanced by effective emotional regulation.
Better Decision-Making: When children can manage intense emotions, they are better able to think clearly and make thoughtful choices, rather than acting impulsively.
Essentially, emotional regulation equips children with the internal tools they need to navigate the complexities of life, building self-control and confidence.
What does Emotional Dysregulation look like?
When children struggle with emotional regulation, their responses to situations can seem disproportionate or overwhelming. This is often referred to as emotional dysregulation. Here are some examples:
- Intense Temper Tantrums: Beyond what’s typical for their age, these might involve screaming, throwing objects, hitting, or kicking, lasting for extended periods.
- Frequent Irritability and Negative Moods: A child might be consistently grumpy, easily annoyed, or prone to persistent sadness or anger between outbursts.
- Difficulty Self-Soothing: Inability to calm themselves down after an upsetting event, requiring significant adult intervention.
- Aggression: Verbal aggression (yelling, cursing) or physical aggression (hitting others, destroying property) during emotional episodes.
- Extreme Reactions to Minor Stressors: A small change in routine or a minor disappointment might trigger an intense, disproportionate emotional meltdown.
- Impulsivity: Acting without thinking through the consequences of their emotions, such as blurting out unkind words or running away when upset.
- Withdrawal and Emotional Numbing: Conversely, some children may shut down completely, becoming unresponsive or emotionally numb in overwhelming situations.
- Frequent Crying: Excessive tearfulness beyond what is typical for their developmental stage.
It is important to remember that some degree of dysregulation is normal in young children as their brains are still developing.
However, when these behaviours are frequent, intense, and impair a child’s functioning at home or school, it may be a sign of a more significant struggle that needs attention.
Tips to Nurture Emotional Regulation
Parents are a child’s first and most important teachers in emotional regulation. Here are some tips to help:
Be a Model of Emotional Regulation: Children learn by observing. Show your child how you manage your own emotions. Narrate your feelings, for example, “I’m feeling frustrated with this traffic, so I’m going to take a deep breath”. This demonstrates healthy coping strategies. Remember, a dysregulated caregiver cannot regulate a child.
Help Them Name Emotions: Teach your child an emotional vocabulary from a young age. Use “feeling words” to describe what you or they might be feeling “You look sad” or “I’m excited!”. This gives them the language to express themselves beyond just behaviour.
Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and affirm their emotions without judgment. “I see you’re really angry that your block tower fell down. It’s okay to feel angry.” Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with their behaviour, but acknowledging their internal experience.
Teach Calming Strategies: Provide a “toolkit” of coping skills. Practice these together when your child is calm, so they can use them when overwhelmed:
Deep Breathing: “Smell the flower, blow out the candle.”
Counting: Counting to ten or counting backward.
Movement: Jumping, running, stretching, dancing to release energy.
Mindfulness: Simple mindfulness exercises or guided meditations.
Sensory Input: A “calm-down corner” with soft blankets, fidget toys, or quiet activities.
Create a Safe Space for Emotions: Let your child know that all feelings are okay, but not all behaviours are. Provide a designated, comfortable space where they can go to calm down when feeling overwhelmed.
Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries: While validating feelings, clearly communicate what behaviours are acceptable and what are not. “It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit.
Co-Regulation is Key: Especially for younger children, emotional regulation starts as “co-regulation.” When your child is distressed, lend them your calm nervous system. Offer a hug, a soothing voice, or simply sit with them in their big emotion until they begin to calm.
Problem-Solve Together (After the Storm): Once calm, discuss what happened. “What made you feel so angry? What could we try next time when you feel that way?” Empower them to find solutions.
Ensure Basic Needs are Met: Hunger, fatigue, and overstimulation are common triggers for dysregulation. Ensure your child gets enough sleep, nutritious food, and has downtime.
Be Patient and Consistent: Learning emotional regulation is a developmental process with ups and downs. There will be setbacks. Consistency in your approach and unwavering support are vital.
Nurturing emotional regulation in children is one of the most valuable gifts a parent can give. It is an investment in their mental health, social competence, academic success, and overall well-being. All of these paves the way for a more resilient and emotionally intelligent future, where they can succeed in life.