Navigating the Storm: Couples Conflict and Therapy

Communication Breakdown

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. We express our feelings towards our partner, resolve conflicts, and build emotional intimacy through communication. However, when communication breaks down, we face misunderstandings, resentment, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.

Of all the many issues presented in couples therapy, communication breakdown is perhaps the most frequently cited issue. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, has extensively documented how couples communicate during conflict. Dr Gottman identified 4 highly corrosive and harmful patterns he called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When couples struggle to express needs, listen actively, or resolve disagreements constructively, resentment builds.

Financial Disagreements

Far more than just numbers on a bank statement, money represents security, power, values, dreams, and fears. When couples argue over financial matters, these can quickly transform into deep-seated resentment and erode trust. Ultimately, this could lead to the breakdown of their relationship.

Money is a leading cause of conflict for many couples, with some studies citing finances as contributing to 40% of disagreements. Couples’ spending habits, financial goals, debt, or unequal contributions can create immense stress and resentment.

Studies by the National Institute of Health have found a strong link between financial disagreements and the likelihood of divorce. These studies suggest that financial conflicts can significantly increase the risk of marital dissolution. It is not just about how much money a couple has, but how they manage, perceive, and discuss it that truly impacts their bond.

Unmet Expectations

When we embark on the journey of marriage, we carry with us a hidden suitcase filled with expectations. Some are conscious and openly discussed (“I expect you to be faithful”). Others are unconscious, formed by childhood experiences, societal narratives, and deeply held personal beliefs. These include “I expect you to anticipate my needs,” or “I expect you to be my sole source of happiness”.

While some expectations are healthy and foundational, a significant proportion are not communicated, unrealistic, or unacknowledged. These are the silent saboteurs that can stealthily lead to marital breakdown.

These unrealistic or non-verbalized expectations about roles, responsibilities, or how a partner “should” behave can lead to disappointment, disillusionment, and frustration. It could also lead to a sense of being unsupported, or even abandoned. When a partner consistently fails to meet a deeply held, unspoken expectation, it can feel like a personal betrayal, even if no actual betrayal has occurred.

Other Relationship Issues

Lack of Trust

Trust is often called the bedrock of any healthy relationship. It is the invisible glue that allows two people to feel safe, vulnerable, and deeply connected. When trust is present, partners can thrive, communicate openly, and navigate life’s challenges as a team.

Whether stemming from infidelity, dishonesty, lack of transparency, or inconsistent behaviours, a lack of trust is a foundational crack in any relationship.

Over time, the absence of trust will lead to secrecy, emotional unavailability, separate lives, resentment and bitterness. Inadvertently, this will affect their children as well.

Intimacy Issues

Intimacy is the profound sense of closeness, connection, and vulnerability shared between partners – a feeling far richer and deeper than just physical touch. When intimacy wanes, or is never truly established, it can leave a gaping void. This will slowly erode the foundations of a relationship and lead to its breakdown.

Differences in desire, a lack of emotional closeness, or unresolved sexual difficulties can lead to feelings of rejection and loneliness. Resentment, frustration, and an erosion of trust and security can also set in.

Parenting Differences

Parenthood, while often a source of immense joy and fulfillment, can also become an unexpected battleground within a marriage. The transition from partners to parents introduces a whole new set of roles, responsibilities, and, inevitably, disagreements. When couples find themselves consistently at odds over how to raise their children, these “parenting differences” can create deep fissures in their marital bond. Ultimately, this could lead to resentment, distance, and even breakdown.

When children enter the picture, or when partners bring children from previous relationships into a blended family, differences in parenting styles become evident. Disagreements over house rules, discipline, or division of labour can become major flashpoints. Family of origin, personality differences, core philosophies and values, and unresolved personal issues, are additional factors that could lead to parenting differences.

External Stressors

Marriage thrives on connection, shared experiences, and a sense of being a unified team. In our modern lives, two powerful external forces often exert pressure on this delicate balance: the demands of work and the intricate dynamics of extended family. When not managed with conscious effort, these external pressures can create deep fissures in a marriage.

Lack of boundaries, divided loyalties, and criticisms and disrespect are some of the issues that could come up with extended family. Differing family values and traditions, and financial demands, could also cause stress and lead to disagreements and resentment.

The Power of Couples Therapy

For many couples facing these challenges, therapy offers a vital opportunity to understand underlying dynamics and identify dysfunctional behaviours.

It is also an opportunity to learn new skills and ways of behaving, and reconnect with each other. Research overwhelmingly supports the effectiveness of couples therapy:

Evidence-Based Success: Studies show that couples therapy can provide significant benefits for 60% to 80% of couples who receive it.

A meta-analysis by Roddy et al.found a moderate to large positive impact on relationship satisfaction, communication, and psychological distress, with effects tending to endure over time. This study reviewed 79 studies involving 6,371 couples.

Other studies revealed that couples in distress who have received interventions experienced a significant improvement in their relationship, over those who did not receive any intervention.

Improved Communication: A primary goal of most couples counselling is to equip partners with healthier communication tools. Therapists help identify dysfunctional patterns and teach skills like active listening, empathetic responding, and constructive conflict resolution.

Deeper Emotional Connection: Therapies like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), pioneered by Dr. Sue Johnson, are highly effective in helping couples understand and express their deeper emotional needs and fears. This can lead to stronger, more secure attachment bonds. EFT has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 35 years of peer-reviewed clinical research under Dr Johnson’s guidance. Additionally, EFT practitioners can boast of significant success rates in strengthening relationships and reducing relationship distress.

Understanding Underlying Dynamics: A skilled couples counsellor can help partners uncover the root causes of their conflicts, often tracing them back to individual attachment styles, family-of-origin issues, or unmet needs.

Conflict Management, Not Just Resolution: Dr. Gottman’s research suggests that 69% of couples’ problems are perpetual, meaning they won’t fully “go away” but are rooted in fundamental personality differences. Couples counselling helps partners learn to manage these perpetual conflicts with respect and humour, rather than letting them erode the relationship.

Renewed Intimacy: By addressing communication barriers and emotional distance, couples can often rekindle their emotional and physical intimacy.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

It is often advised not to wait until the relationship is in crisis before couples seek therapy.

Couples therapy can be beneficial at various stages of the relationship:

Before Marriage: Premarital counselling can help couples build strong foundations, identify potential challenges, and develop communication skills. There are many community and church based programs at low cost to help engaged couples build the right foundation for a lifetime commitment.

When Communication Breaks Down: If arguments are frequent, unproductive, or you feel unheard, this is when a couples therapist could provide some useful tools for how to communicate better. Couples therapists can often offer insights that may be difficult for you to identify.

After a Major Life Change: Therapy can be helpful supporting couples navigating parenthood, job loss, illness, or retirement. Oftentimes, we like to believe that we can handle it all, until we can’t. The acceptance of reality is always a first step in seeking help.

Following a Betrayal: While challenging, therapy can help couples process infidelity or a breach of trust if both partners are committed to repairing their relationship.

When Intimacy Wanes: Addressing sexual or emotional distance by a certified therapist knowledgeable in the area can be very helpful. Your therapist can help identify underlying issues that have come between you, often without your knowledge or awareness of them.

When You Feel Stuck: If you’re having the “same fight, different day” and can’t find a way forward on your own, it may be time to seek help. Having a professional perspective on these stuck issues can be very helpful in helping you see ways to resolve ongoing issues.

Even if things “aren’t broken”: Proactive “relationship check-ups” can help couples maintain health and prevent issues from escalating. There are retreats and couples getaways that can help couples maintain their closeness and intimacy.

Relationships require ongoing effort, care, and a willingness to grow together. While the challenges can sometimes feel overwhelming, the research is clear: couples therapy is a powerful, evidence-based tool that can help partners navigate their issues, deepen their connection, and build a more resilient, fulfilling bond.

If you recognize these common fault lines in your own relationship, reaching out to one of our qualified couples counsellors could be the most loving investment you make in your shared future. Check out our Couples Counselling page here.

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