Couples Counselling

In the tapestry of modern relationships, navigating the inevitable storms can be a daunting task. As life’s pressures mount and individual needs evolve, even the strongest connections can face challenges.

When two people get together for love, get married, or live together, it is a marriage of two perspectives of the world, of two personalities, two family histories, two upbringings, two cultures.

It is often the most exciting time of our lives, with dreams and hopes for the future. Finding love and being loved in return is one of the greatest feelings we can conceive of, and it is something that most people desire.

However, because we are all such different individuals, it is quite natural for challenges to come up in relationships. Life can get complex, especially when we throw families, work, mortgages, and children, into the equation.

Relationships can be challenging

Chances are that some of you reading this are in long term relationships, and you can relate to at least one of the following:

“We can’t seem to communicate with each other without yelling, getting upset, or getting into a big fight. It’s not healthy for the kids.”

“He does nothing to show me he still loves me.”

“She does not initiate any of our couple activities.”

“I just want to feel that we are a team again.”

“Every conversation we get into is filled with sarcasm, anger, resentment. What happened? We didn’t used to be like this.”

“I think he doesn’t care. I don’t get any help around the house, or with the kids. He tries, but it’s not enough. I’m exhausted.”

“We’ve become room mates, nothing more.”

“He has a special friend that he confides in. Why can’t he talk to me? I’m his wife!”

“She’s indifferent to anything that I do for our family. Nothing I do seems to be enough.”

“We are emotionally disconnected. I feel alone in our so-called relationship.”

“We have not been intimate in a long time.”

Or something along these lines.

Every couple experiences conflict – it is a natural part of intimate relationships.

However, persistent or poorly managed conflict can erode the foundation of love and trust.

Common arguments amongst couples

Some of the main arguments and conflict themes that couples in Canada (and elsewhere) frequently encounter include:

Communication Breakdown

Misunderstandings, feeling unheard or dismissed, passive-aggressive behaviours, and an inability to express needs effectively are at the heart of many conflicts.

Financial Issues

Disagreements about spending habits, debt, saving goals, and financial priorities are a major source of stress and conflict.

Parenting Differences

Divergent approaches to discipline, routines, values, and co-parenting responsibilities can create significant tension, especially after children arrive.

Household Responsibilities

Unequal division of labor, chores, and household management can lead to resentment and feelings of being unsupported.

Intimacy and Affection

Discrepancies in desire for physical intimacy, emotional connection, and expressions of affection can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection.

External Stressors

Work pressures, family issues, health concerns, and financial instability can spill over into the relationship, creating tension and conflict.

Differing Values and Goals

As individuals evolve, their values and life goals may diverge, leading to disagreements about the future of the relationship.

Jealousy and Trust Issues

Infidelity, perceived emotional betrayal, or underlying insecurities can severely damage trust and lead to recurring conflict.

In-Law Conflicts

Disagreements or strained relationships with extended family members can put a significant strain on the couple’s bond.

Couples Counselling

Given all the above, it is amazing and inspiring to hear of marriages lasting 30 years, 40 years, and more.

Were these trouble-free marriages? Most likely not. Even the best and healthiest of relationships experience conflict.

Decades of research by renowned marriage expert Dr John Gottman showed that couples whose marriages lasted, exhibited certain behaviours that distinguished them from the ones whose marriages did not last.

The good news is that these behaviours can be learned.

Reaching out for help is a huge step in your relationship.

Here at Innova Therapy, we have met so many couples who have been fighting the same fight for years, and not going anywhere.

They have lived with the same argument and resentment for a long time, and have finally decided that they need help.

Couples counselling, once perhaps a hushed secret, has emerged as a vital tool for fostering healthy and resilient partnerships in Canada, and all over the world.

Couple reconciled after therapy for relationship

What happens in Couples Counselling?

Couples counselling provides a structured and supportive environment for partners to address conflicts and build stronger, healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Here’s how it can help:

Improved Communication Skills: Therapists teach effective communication techniques, such as active listening, expressing needs clearly and respectfully, and de-escalating arguments.
Identifying Underlying Issues: Counselling can help couples move beyond surface-level arguments to understand the deeper emotional needs and unmet expectations driving the conflict.
Developing Conflict Resolution Strategies: Therapists guide couples in learning healthy ways to navigate disagreements, compromise, and find mutually agreeable solutions.
Building Empathy and Understanding: By providing a safe space for each partner to share their perspective, counselling fosters greater empathy and understanding for each other’s experiences.
Re-establishing Intimacy and Connection: Therapists can help couples address issues related to physical and emotional intimacy, rebuild connection, and reignite romance.
Breaking Negative Patterns: Counselling can help couples identify and interrupt destructive patterns of interaction, such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt (Gottman’s “Four Horsemen).
Developing Coping Mechanisms for External Stressors: Therapists can help couples learn to work together as a team to manage external pressures and prevent them from damaging the relationship.
Facilitating Forgiveness and Healing: In cases of infidelity or significant breaches of trust, counselling can provide a framework for open communication, processing emotions, and potentially rebuilding the relationship.
Providing Tools for Co-Parenting: For couples navigating parenthood, counselling can offer strategies for effective co-parenting, even amidst disagreements.
Making Informed Decisions About the Future: In some cases, despite best efforts, couples may realize that separation is the healthiest path forward. Counselling can provide support and guidance in navigating this difficult transition in a respectful and constructive manner.

Effective Couples Counselling

Couples, marriage, or relationship counselling can be effective for those of you who are truly committed to improving the state of your relationship.

Innova Therapy’s couples counsellors can provide insights into behavioural patterns that are unhealthy, and share tips and strategies to help with communication and conflict.

You may also learn some rules about how to argue constructively, resolve past issues, and learn to forgive.

Happy couple walking on the beach

Read Tips for making Couples, Marriage or Relationship Counselling Effective here.

Couples or relationship counselling is not a place where your therapist plays referee.

Additionally, it is also not a place to find someone to agree with you and prove that you’ve been right all along. And that really, it’s your partner who needs to be fixed!

Couple in therapy to improve their communication and heal from infidelity.

You may also like to consider your own behaviours and actions that have led you to where your relationship is at today.

Ask yourself, how have I contributed to this relationship that hasn’t been healthy or supportive of my partner?

How can I do better to let them know that I truly care about them and that I want what is best for us?

Am I ready to make necessary changes in myself?

Do I want to be right, or do I want our relationship to thrive?

If you can ask yourself these questions, you may just be ready for couples counselling.

Couples Counselling Goals

Your Innova Therapy couples therapist will help you set goals at your first session that will guide you and your counsellor along your journey together.

Be mindful to bring up all pertinent and relevant stuff. Your therapist can’t possibly know you as well as you know yourselves, so give voice to your thoughts and your emotions.

Make each session count by coming in prepared and ready to do some work.

It is likely that during your journey with your counsellor, you will learn some things about yourself that you have not yet realized or come to appreciate.

Self-development is all part of the package. As you grow older and change with your partner, you are not the same people you were when you first got together as a couple. It is our hope that you will discover new ways of connecting and re-connecting with your partner.

For more information, please do read the attached Informed Consent for couples counselling.

DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE.

Dr Gottman’s research has shown that many couples do not seek help until six years after the issue first manifested itself. For many, their marriages didn’t make it.

Call us now and let Innova Therapy couples and relationship counsellors help you today. Our counsellors are available in Coquitlam, Maple Ridge, Vancouver, and online.